hummph...

I went to pick up my IELTS result today at British Council.. Hmmph...

Terrible traffic jam just to go into KL..celebration of new year i guess...hmmpph...
Bummer..hate being stuck in the car that long.. just hearing the cars honking and seeing people drive crazily...hmmmp...

Arrived at Britich Council safely..There was a very long que..hmmpph... Patiently waited in line until it was my turn..

Ahh finally! It was my turn. Gave my IC and waited patiently again. However, the girl working there told me that my result was nowhere to be found...hmmmph... "wat???!!!" I say in my head...

She said that prob. IMEC (that's the place, like cawangan of british council, where I registered) has it, that they mailed/sent it to them ysterday...hmmmph...

Just to double check, I called IMEC...and the conversation is as follow:

R: Hi! I would like to ask bout my IELTS result.
IMEC: What IELTS result? for the examination on the 19th December is it?
R: Yes yes..that one..
IMEC: It will be out in middle of january

In my head: WATT???? Its already out la weh!

R: COme again? I was told it wud be out on the 31st. And I have checked my result online and am now at the british council... they told me that you have the results now.
IMEC: No no no.. results will be out after 13 working days. Let me count for you, I grab calender now. 1,2,3......aah..You will know ur result on 12th january...
R: I think you misunderstood me. Its already out.. I saw it online. British council is giving results aways today.
IMEC: which link or site did you go to check your result? no such thing!

(By now, kalau cartoon my kepala dah berasap oceh!)

R: Look, i'll let u speak to one of the girls here....

and their conversation takes place....

R: SO, when can i pick up my result?
IMEC: Next year..
R: Very clever...when exactly?
Imec: Owh.. the two person in charge are on holiday. its the last day of the year you see...

(In my head: owh really???? I didnt know that...duuuh!)

R: really? nobody in charge around?
Imec: Nope. How bout you call us next week?
R: I'm tired of calling you. How bout u call me this monday?! Take my name and number..
Imec: Its ok. I have ur name & number already...

conclusion:

They didnt let us know that we had to pick up our result at IMEC. It was announced during the exams that result shud be picked up at british council on said date. Nothing from IMEC about result.

Imec is very lousy. Service is crappy. I learned my lesson. For those who is planning to sit for IELTS, please just go register yourselves at the British COuncil. No headache, no heartache...

Jee IMEC... u you could have been more responsible...

Alaaa....

So IELTS results are out today...

I checked mine online. Hmmmmph...boy, was i disappointed. Allah je la tahu.. I was so shocked to see a somewhat major decline in my result as compared to 2 years ago. Sakitnya..adoi...

My writing result sucked pretty bad..and that is the most important result to get enroll in a phd program. Cukup2 makan2/cud be 0.5 point less that minimum requirement. Different faculty and courses require different scores. Kecewa tak terkata.. U know y? Because I felt good writing my essay as compared to how clumsy I felt 2 years ago. This time I felt that it was a good essay. Good structure, good point, good flow.. This time the essay was about whether I believe crime rates could be reduced.. as compared to the previous topic of something regarding kelapa sawit di malaysia. You know what I'm talking bout rite? I mean, sometimes we just feel in our gut that we did pretty well...I felt like that, that day. Bukan overconfident that I would score but I felt good...

And behold! My lowest score was my essay... Although cukup2 makan...I dont know whether it wud be enough for all purposes..eg. visa, scholarship, course requirement..different aspects, different requirements..adoi2...sakit2.. rasa mcm nak mintak org tu check lagi sekali je.. we can pay.. Allah..malunya...

2 years ago result gempak! now, not so...blaaaah aje....

dug dap dug dap dug dap...

Ya Allah, I pray that my result is sufficient to pull me through... Kalau tak I have to sit for the IELTS again... another rm550...sedihnya..

tak terkata...

But, cheer up R! Allah knows best... Ada hikmah di sebalik setiap perkara... Yakin & tawakal!

Hmmm....

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DONT PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH?

Susah oooo jaga anak yg dh besar dan bijak untuk berkata2 ni...I tend to do the no-no's rather than the stuff I tell and advice most mothers to do...alamak...

It really makes me sit & wonder how the mothers I see feel...now I understand their position and how hard it is to change anything related to kids behavior...

Hmmmm.... Its hard but not impossible...

Try harder reen... U still have another week with the kids...

An interesting day..

19th December 2009

Ahh...today I sat for my IELTS. Nervous? Yes! Met new friends? Yes! Any interesting boyz? No! Sigh... why oh why...

Bout the exam.. I tawakal pada Allah... I have studied.. I have practiced.. So I leave it up to HIM to decide...

But what I want to write down is here...is what happened after the first part of the exam.. After finishing the listening, reading and writing sections of IELTS.. I had a 3 hours break before my Speaking test... So..since I was all alone in the city.. I braved myself to wander the streets of KL. Muhahahaha...gelak evil because.. well panjang akal nak ke KLCC.. which I did..and I went to Kinokuniya to buy books...

While I was enjoying my new book while eating spagetti carbonara at the Kino cafe.. heee... seronotnya... enjoying my time and chillaxing before another bout of anxiety... suddenly I remembered I left my purple shawl in the examination hall...Alamak!! Its my fave shawl... and I love it.. so I gobbled up my food.. and walked as fast as I can back to Corus Hotel... Looking up at the sky... OMG it was dark... and I didnt have an umbrella.. Look at my watch, I still had time to kill before it was my time in the Speaking room... So I walked as quickly as my fat legs can carry me and managed to reach the hotel before it started raining...it was just drizzling by the time I reached the lobby of the hotel...

After hunting for my shawl, I was crestfallen when the guy there didnt have any inkling where my shawl was or how a shawl looked like... broken hearted... pegila balik ke lobby hotel...and suddenly it was a downpour!!! Hujan lebat di KL tahu jelah macam mana kan...

So I lingered around at the hotel's lobby and watched anxiously as time ticked by. My anxiety came back since I had only less than 2 hours before my time was up. Huhuhu... When the rain was drizzling.. I sprinted myself across the street and started to walk..elok2 jalan je.. it became a downpour again! Huish... I was drenched! Like a rat! Pakai skirt...tudung lilit... I was wet but I felt like laughing! haha...adoi...with all the buses and taxis that passed me by...all honking and waving telling me to board them..segan oo...standing alone on the side of the street, directly across KLCC...usually in the movies, a handsome man would come baring an umbrella, or that would be the moment when someone just so happens to cross ur life..ngaa..movies je kan..reality nada...

So finally, asked I was doing my fifth pit stop to watch the heavy rain, one old guy in his 60s took pity on me, and gave me an umbrella. Bless his soul...baiknya hati..when other people just turned their heads or said "Sorry maam, we cant spare u an umbrella coz ur not a guest in our hotel".... this guy without any explanation just gave me an umbrella...trharu x terkata... too bad it wasnt a young man....hehe

So in the end, I safely arrived at wisma dredging..went up to the examination room. Coz I still had time to kill, I hunted down for a bathroom and just my luck, they had a hand drier.. So like any girl with a common sense wud do, I squeezed all the water out from my skirt, and hold it up under the drier.. After nearly half an hour...i was 80% dried off.. and at least look presentable for the test.. the only problem was my sandals were super duper soaked... but it went smoothly after that...

Now, lets just pray that I dont fall down with the flu. Coz I have my two babies here with me...and I need to have all my energy to engage them and make them happy!

:) what more can I do?

Another black monday...

URGGGHHH!!!!

Monday started off pretty bad... I had nightmares throughout the whole night... I woke up at 4.30, slept back again at 5 am and still the same nightmares were there.. like a never ending soap!!! The thing about having nightmares that you remember, is that your brain feels really tired when u wake up! and you dont feel rested!... So, that's how my monday morning started off...

I believe that my nightmares were triggered off by the fact that I have to do a DST assessment today and found out that Alvin gave me incomplete Malay templates. I cant do 3 out of 12 tests! I've tried to SMS everybody else..Some of the girls replied back, some didnt bother... Jee, thanx evey1 for the help!

So, now I am at the cabin. I see my patient who came all they way from shah alam has arrived. Waiting anxiously for me to do the DST assessment. Now wat am I suppose to tell the parents? "oo..Maaf puan, saya x dapat bagi keputusan assessment ni sbb template Melayu saya x lengkap??" Now who's fault is that?? Obviously there is no one to blame but me... but please la dear boss, you order all the latest and high-tech asssessment but none of them are translated and suitable for Malay population!!!!!! AARGGHHHHH! Tension giler! Like suddenly I have to come back and do every damn translation for them??!!!

To top it off, last weekend my good friend from school days got married. So happy for her. The stupid and lack of intelligence on my part is the sharing of the present. So being the ever wise one.. i suggested that we (at that time being only 4 girls) share to buy her a big and comfortable plus beautiful comforter... cost around rm230. So each and every1 of us pay around rm50.

Then the boys called me up and asked where I was, like they so needed me to cover their embarrassing assess. I told them that I was buying our friend's wedding present. The head boy said " I wanna pitch in!". I said u better pay! Point is, not an issue with me if you pay but big time issue if u just hitch along for ride without paying! So what happened? As we were all seated at the table, some of the guys wanted to sign the wedding card. I strictly told them that only those who paid can sign the card. Some of them said, okla we will pay. But can pay through online transfer tak? I baik hati kan...Said okla... So guess how many actually paid for the present? Four of them (2boys and 2 girls havent paid yet!) and I loath to ask them or demand them to pay up! All of them have this notion that A) I'm a over-the-top wealthy kid who has loaaaaads of money stashed in my account, 2) that I dont need the money so I can just cover up their damn assess, and last but not least 3) I dont care about spending.

UUGHHHH!!!!! What people think bout me and my money! Hello income I kecik je ok! Basic salary for a P1T3 is only rm24+++. Mana ada like you guys yang earn like rm3K+++ tu... Keje petronas, dengan I pun nak berkira! Everything is "Reen blanja ni..Reenla blanja tu".. what do you think I am? Your personal bank account?!

I AM NOT THAT DESPERATE TO HAVE FRIENDS YOU FIEND!

So I'm just sick and tired of everyone's attitude when it relates to me...

And another thing...IELTS is just around the corner...Have I prepared myself? No...Do I have time to study with all the seminars, and workshops as well as publications that I have to produce? No...Do I like being pushed by other people to do things that I dont like? No...

NO NO NO...

Its a frustrating morning!

And all you Malaysians drivers out there...Kalau xda etika memandu sila get the hell off the road!

Sekian.

Sad Sad Days

Monday:30th November 2009

My baby cat just died. I tried to revive her but her time had come. I buried her myself. No tears coz I wasnt that attach yet.


Tuesday: 1st December 2009

My cat, Montel ran away. She was on heat and was quite flustered about it. Kept rolling in her cage and purring to attract attention. Early this morning, mom told me to tie her up outside, to let her loose. I did, although my instinct warned me not to. She's no longer a stray cat. Hence, her survival skills are not developed enough. After 15 minutes outside of the house (I tied her to our door grill), two male cats had a fight which I believed scared her away. She broke free and ran for safety. She ran away with a collar and long strings attach to it.

The other male cats came back..but I cant find montel anywhere.. Yesterday, I didnt feel like crying...today, the moment I realized that she wont come back, it just brought me to tears..

I can't stop blaming myself for this. I knew better than to let her go. I knew better! All kind of thoughts are racing to my head. What if she gets tangled up in the bushes? What if the dogs get her? Poor Montel...

I spent a lot on her.. from surgery to diarrhea to xrays to birthing.. food, house, sand....

Kalau ada rezeki, adalah... Nanti montel balik la rumah... but deep down I know she's not gonna come back...

Mayb I'm just not fit to have a cat.. Since Mom so hates cat.. better not traumatize her more...

Coz I just cant deal with the criticism and negativity anymore...

I just hate yesterday and today....

I hurt because a parent doesnt understand....

I hurt because I lost the most precious pet to me...

Baju Lawa Hanya utk Mereka Yang Kecil dan Kurus

So, i went window shopping... saje tgk2 baju office..wlpn sedar duit tak cukup dalam tangan atau bank untuk membeli pape...segalanya dilakukan dgn berhutang... Sad to say, I dont have enough money to pay my credit card bills this month. Even membeli buku IELTS pun dgn keadaan brhutang.. Not good reen...

Back to the baju issue, ooo...mang ai... betul2 lawa baju yg terpampang di kedai2 di MidValley itu.. jangan di sebut harga, sbb klu x lebhih RM80 x sah.. Want I want to address is, these clothers/blouses are really nice...but they are only suitable for skinny/slim/slender people. Kalau org macam saya, yang in between, it still wont look good. The dress would somehow make me look puffy... or more fleshy. Yikes!

So, after going through a number of stores, I gave up hope. The only way for me to look stunning is, to actually slim down a bit... skit je lg.. getting there.. Coz, I have to face the fact, baju lawa mmg available utk org yg slim.......

So, azam tahun baru mgkn? haahaha... giler lama nk tunggu.. I can start now. Slow and steady. Dont want to fall under the eating disorder category. hehehe...

Never fear! Harapan utk kurus itu masih ada....

Happy Birthday ~~~

Happy birthday to me.. Happy birthday to me...

Hehe.. boleh x?

So its my birthday today.. As I've promised Arfah, that I will not frown today.. and think of only happy thoughts...

Pushing away a heart that bleeds.. and putting a smile on my chubby face :P

But saja nk gatal, my birthday wish for this year is as follows:

1) Ice Cream
2) Ice Cream
3) Ice Cream
4) Books 4 IELTS
5) A tube of lipstick
6) True friends that care...

Saya Mahu Tolong Mak!

I want to help my Mom out.. I just feel so helpless that I cant do much for her... I feel guilty too that she's been spending so much of her time on my articles that she abandoned hers.. Now its too late to do anything...

Poor Mom.. as a professor, she needs at least 3 articles to be published in a year.. this year she has none.. I know Mom, she's a high achiever.. No publication with her name as the first author means, her record would be bad.. Kesian mak... and I know writing an articles isnt easy.. Knowing that I'm not helping her producing papers as fast as she wants me kills me...

I wish I could be smarter and better.. so I can help her out more efficiently.. I dont like to see her sad =(

Ya Allah..Permudahkan segala urusan ibuku...amin...

Rainy Monday

Owh what a day...

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed... I became irritated over breakfast.. Was reprimand by my mother on how much workload I had to do.. Its tough.. Trying to please everyone... Knowing that you cant please everybody including your own family...

Went off to work.. Started to have a breakdown after 5 mins leaving home... Trying to CBT myself in the process.. I managed to cut-short my drama queen moment..

I had 2 assessment cases today...A boy and and old man.. Two totally different characteristics.. One was too quiet..one was too talkative... By 11 am, I wanted to scream coz this uncle was trying to sweeten me up! Hello... I may look young but I mean business ok! He got me really irritated... He kept insisting that I was from a Persian descendant.. My name is a Persian/Arabian name.. doesnt make me a Persian.. I keep telling him that.. but every 5 mins..he would ask me again..and again..and again.. up to the point, I LIED (forgive me), and told him that maybe my great-great-great-great-great-great--great-great-great-grandfather was Arabian... huhuhuhu... that managed to shut him up... I guessed it pleased him that he was right...

I found out that I had to sit for the IELTS exams, again. Sigh.. Such a bore.. I really hate the writing part...the other tests are quiet a breeze... InsyaAllah I will beat my old score.. I cant go lower than that...Malu la kn.. Owh ya..this test cost me about RM550...

My laptop crashed and died on me last weekend...I had to buy a new laptop.. One that I hopw would live long enough until I finish my studies...I better take good care of it from now...

Everyday I check my mail to see whether the representatives/potential supervisors from Melbourne has replied my mail yet. Nothing to this day... And these people call themselves efficient... huhu

I have this big clock ticking over my head...Tick Tock Tick Tock... I have to leave by April 2010...But if nothing happens soon, I would have to renew my contract and face the dean.. Ya Allah, permudahkanla urusan pembelajaranku...

The highlight of the day: I lost weight! hehehe =D

Korean Week

This weekend was pretty boring.. Probably because I had tons of work to do and I am nowhere near finish...

So, as my usual custom.. whenever I feel stress out.. I would do a Korean marathon.. This weekend, I watched Sassy Girl Chun Hyang... I so LOVE watching Korean.. Love the plots and the actors as well as the emotions.. I wonder why our local drama cant come close to international drama.. local drama is full with hatred, jealousy and nonsense..

So back to the korean marathon. I started watching my 17 episodes drama on friday night. finished 2 dvds i.e 8 episodes.. one episode usually takes about 1 hour. Then last night I finished it off... from 10pm - 4am...deemmmm.... I just get carried away!!
hehehe...

So wat happens today? I woke up at 7.40am... only had 3 hours and 40 mins of sleep.. and I have dark circles under my big puffy eyes ----> in other words I look like a raccoon..

sigh. I usually become this way when I dont know how to finish my work.. Writing is ez.. but writing a article to be published in an international journal? That's tough...

Just keep remembering Reen, that this is all for the future.. Promotion wise and all.. Salaray increase as well...

Just hang in there!

Better Korean drama than Ice Cream.. at least I wont gain more weight.. huhu

MOVE REEN MOVE!!!

Days turn to months.. It feels like ages ago I completed my placements. But somehow i dont feel myself challenged enough. Like I'm becoming slow.. reaaaaal slow.... x productive. I cant finish my work on time. I seem to procrastinate more than usual, I an now watching Korean dramas (aahh... that's not good...) and I cant seem to settle my Melbourne stuff... dem...

What is happening to me? I used to be filled with life, energy and spirit! NOW??? It feels like I'm moving in slow motion. Everything is moving slowly to the point I want to scream..

I think I need to give myself a kick in the butt... to get myself moving.. productivity makes u find fulfillment. I need to finish this article to publish by the end of this week, which means I only have until 2morow... I'm doomed...

Haaaiiiyaaaa.... Get moving reen...

Welcome November

November is a very special month for me...

Sweet sweet November...

Cant wait for next week... :D

Yeay! Or huhu.. getting older, getting wiser... but the important thing is, must be young at heart....

FREAKING OUT

So its October... about 4 months ago, i sat with my Dean and nodded my head when he said "Go for Phd asap!". Oh dear, 4 months.. and still no action on my part. My contract would end in early january.. that means i have to find a place to study sooooon....

What i have accomplished in the past 4 months (a slow crawl to securing a spot in Melbourne!) is published 2 articles... it feels like that's all i've been doing..tons n tons of paper writing.. but only 2 were accepted. sigh.. xpe.. usaha tangga kejayaan.. so i'm not taking this as a bad sign but more like fluency training..the more you practice the more you can write fast and finish an article within a few days rather than weeks.

As I am currently working on my 3rd paper to publish, I realized that I need a research topic for my phd. What to do? What to research? Somehow talking to many people didnt help me solve the serabutness in my head.. they all added to the jumble-mumble... I'm torn.. should I do a research about anxiety in adolescents or obesity in adolescents?

The pros for doing obesity is that I can collect my data here in Hospital Putrajaya.. seems like they have this obesity clinic.. bad news is.. our people arent obese because their depress, their obese because they just love to eat. SO how to do a research on that?

If I do something on anxiety, I would have to buy a module and run the program here.. one of the clin.psychs in my department says that its all bout the treatment program.. do something that you can own or contribute to the field. She translated the CBT module into Malay... so in other words, she's pushing me to translate an English module into Malay and run it in local population... adoi.. sounds susah.. somore want to do big group intervention... then again anxiety is pretty common in adolescents rite? but how come kids with anxiety are untraceable? Would i get enough data from clinics here in Klang Valley. I'm worried because anxiety isnt something that people frequently report. Its something hidden.. but obesity..u physically can see the problem... u just have to peel the layers off.

hmmm...i dunno wat to do...

there's also a possibility that my future supervisor would just change the whole topic altogether... sigh..

deep down.. i'm scared! that's just it..scared..scared of the unknown future..

it ain't all bout fun and games especially on a foreign land with a foreign supervisor.. but wat worries me also is the fact that I wont get enough money to run the research.. the only hope is if one of the clin psychs conduct a mega-research and i'm part of the team member.. only problem is I have to follow their interest of study... dem... which is practically chronic pain, depression and anxiety.. tak tahulu.. beserah pd Allah..

but what I know is I really really reaaaaalllly need to do write to the postgrad coordinator by the end of this week.. no later than that..

so HELP!!!! What should I do??

Something to think about....

Kadang2 Allah sembunyikan matahari
Dia datangkan petir dan kilat

Kita tertanya-tanya kemana hilangnya matahari

Rupa2nya Allah bagi kite pelangi…

When $ becomes an Issue

We will never have enough of money... regardless how much u earn for a month..with all the bills to pay.. u still feel like u have so little...

I've been facing financial difficulties these past few months... My credit card has soared way beyond the clouds... and i'm in deep trouble... After psychoanalyzing myself, i realized that in a month i would spend less than rm100 on myself for junk food, clothes and books..

but... there's my car that i have to pay, gas, insurances, groceries, things that my mama wants..things that my dad claims he has no money to pay... i find myself forking up my own money to pay for all these stuff... its nothing new.. its an old pattern.. old habit die hard... but in July i went to Sabah.. all eating expanses were on me with a magical wave of my credit card.. my keypochee mummy suggested that i need a wardrobe change... went shopping.. with her approval... spent nonsense.. wat was i thinking?!!

• suffered from people and family teasing me coz i put on extra pounds <---- reason behind the binge eating... depression at bay...

• bought stuff that i didnt want..but was force upon me <--- i really need to learn to say no!!!! even to family...
  
• now its approaching raya time... more money to give... <--- have to give special ang paus to grandparents... aunties.. and niece and nephews...

i'm really low this month... come to think of it, i just spent rm100 yesterday for groceries shopping... 3 of which are expensive nangka that my mother loves, 2 things which my maid wants to bring back home to indon... and just ayamas chicken for me to fry for brbuka and sahur... owh.. and i went to mph and bought books... 2 of which are mom's and the rest was mine...

Sayings that haunt me:

Your a rich girl.. u can surely pay for our group's dinner...
Your such a bad liar.. u cant have financial problems coz u can easily ask from FAMA...
Your the richest kid on the block..
You just oooze with richness...
You spend a lot like u have loads of cash stash away... (this hurts the most, coz I'm buying wat ur telling me to buy!!!)

How is it that those closest to you dont understand u?

Money will always be a problem.. u wont have enough of it...

Penghulu Istighfar..

While I was watching Ar-Rayyan, i learned a very valuable lesson. Ustazah Fatma Az-Zahra was saying that sometimes when Allah doesnt give u wat u want, u may have some debt to pay to him, some dosa left that u didnt realize u have and apologized for... Ya Allah ...Sesungguhnya aku banyak berbuat dosa padaMu...Ampunkanlah aku...

Rasulullah ajar umatnya amalkan penghulu istighfar. Banyak fadhilat bila kite amalkan Penghulu Istighfar ni...dan sebaik2nya we should recite this istighfar everytime after prayer...

Ya, Allah Engkaulah Tuhanku, Tidak ada Tuhan selain Engkau, Engkaulah yang menjadikan aku. Sedang aku adalah hambaMu dan aku di dalam genggamanMu dan di dalam perjanjian setia ( beriman dan Taat ) kepadaMu sekuat mampuku. Aku berlindung kepadaMu dari kejahatan yang telah ku lakukan. Aku mengakui atas segala nikmat yang telah Engkau berikan kepada ku dan aku mengaku segala dosaku. Maka ampunilah aku. Sesungguhnya tidak ada yang dapat mengampuni segala dosa kecuali Engkau. Amin

InsyaAllah...starting from now..I'll practice this selawat dutifully... InsyaAllah..

M.I.A

Early on when i started this blog, i made a promise to myself that i must make an entry every month. Just to get rid of all the -ve emotions or extremely +ve emotions that i feel. But alas... i have not made an entry for 2 whole months. Bad girl!

Well.. there were just too many reasons.

1) So many exciting and scary things happened in July and i just felt so overwhelm to even write it down. But a summary of what happen to me are as follows:

• Started work back at the department on the 1st of july. Yikes!
• Some idiot broke into my room at 6 am on 3rd July in hopes of catching me asleep in my bed so he can robe me penniless. Dem! The idiot cleverly ran away after hearing me scream at the top of my lungs...PENCURI!!!! PENCURI!!!
  
• I was traumatized...cudnt sleep in my own room. I keep having images of a stick protruding between the curtains.
  
• I was called fat by so many people from my hairdress to my tailor to my dentist... and lets not exclude friends and family...
• I was ordered to further my phd by next year.. "go off to australia", says my dean.
  
• Still searching for the one..

Then July became boring again after it entered its 3rd week....

August was suppose to be exciting with convo and all... and yes i had a blast seeing the girls and talking... Nothing interesting much happened this month.. All i can remember is that i had issues ( a lot of them mind u) with UKM for its slowness and clumsiness in all things related to my Convo.

Owh.. its Ramadhan.. Yeay! Love this month.. My tummy feels so relax.. its on Vacay u see... but yet i need to lose some extra fat... so i've been told.. hmmph!

What about work? Well... I see patients on Monday.. or shud i say patient. One. Singular. Child case. Poligami syndrome case. Adoi... Kesian this kid. And she also gets teased for being fat! I feel u kiddo... i really do...

Besides this adorable girl, i have been spending time at home or at the office.. typing away on my lappie.. not to babble in here... but to write articles... and send them off in impact as well as cited journals... if not, my CV wud look like a baby's.. a rookie's when i apply for my phd... so i'm working my butt off... preparing articles.... and i'm tired..and i'm stress...

So now we enter September.... Ahhh... how fun is September..... A dear friends birthday is coming up!! Yeay! But i suck at buying presents... huhu... my bad..

and just of last night, i've sent another article to a cited journal... Ya Allah...plz let it be accepted this time.. (yes.. my first baby got rejected, and i got bruised!). Mudahkanla Ya Allah.. so i wud b able to put it in my CV.

So i guess.. this pays off for the 2 whole month of being MIA rite?

So What?

I dont get it y other ppl have issues with my nody weight!

To be really honest, i'm not the skinny type girl.. no fat-no flesh kinda type.. i'm a bit chubby.. A BIT... so y do i have friends that call me fatso? Or embarrass me on the www. by telling ppl that i am ashamed to show my face in social settings coz i'm fat! uggh..stupid2 friend... mayb i should not even call u a friend.. a friend wont see the physical part of me.. but they wud see my heart. kan? I believe so...

And the torment doesnt stop there... my family also says i'm putting extra extra weight.. but the scales says i'm still within acceptable range.. gemuk x kurus x... just nice.. i want to believe so! It does get irritating when ur about to put food in ur mouth, someone beside would say , "Dont eat to much or u'll get fatter...". Way to kill ur appetite...

Wat do these ppl want me to do? Starve myself to death? Fast 24/7? I really do know how people with eating disorders feel... how they feel so pressured just to please others in order to be called beautiful...

I've been trying to CBT myself..but constant and persistent attack on my coping mechanism aint helping me deal with my "weight problem".

Please...please...give it a rest...

Just accept me for who i am...

The feeling..

Is it possible to miss someone who you barely know?

Is it possible to feel connected to someone that you only know by name?

Or is it that i'm missing someone that I've created purely by my imagination?

The Diamond RIng

I was out with my parents having Nandos at Alamanda. We passed by this jewelery booth.. it was Habib's and they were doing their mid year sale...

Like all women.. my mom & i stopped to admire all the glitters and gems. Mom suddenly said that she was interested in buying a diamond ring. I was about to ask her where is her wedding ring since its a diamond stud bought by dad in the states when i suddenly remembered that it was stolen..poor mom.. she has no jeweleries at all at the moment.. but she was so delighted that Habib was selling it cheap.. it was at 70% discount. The ring mom saw was so lovely... kinda like the ring in the pic.

The price after discount fell at around RM1K. I think it's cheap.. considering that these kinda rings usually are priced 2k and higher.. It was small on mom's hand.. the diamond was small.. it didnt shine.. so it wasnt meant to be. But i cudnt resist. I wanted to try it on. Because it look so darn beautiful. So sparkly...

Owh.. how i fell in love! It fit my finger to perfection. The size of the diamond was just nice and it made my hand and me feel beautiful.. Mom said "Do u wanna buy it?"

Now there's a question. This is an engagement ring.. Its kinda embarassing to buy this ring for urself.. when u dont have anybody to be engage with. I wish I had someone.. Someone to call and say.."Habib is having their mega sale..please buy me a ring.." but i dont have anybody.. ergo the problem...

Owh well.. My heart is telling me its time.. time to face the fear of committment and allow someone to knock on my heart.. but now.. i just dont feel up to it.. i dont trust the foreign chromosomes anymore.. I'm more guarded.. But mayb i havent met the right one..

Watever it is.. Allah knows best.. I believe in Allah and HIS grand plans for me.. So I must be patient.. and keep faith and constantly pray.. for the right person who wud see me for me.. not some girl that people treat like an ATM machine or avoid thinking that I'm high maintainence.

Someone who would see me 4 me... and Allah knows best...

who knows.. maybe i'll even get a better catch.. with an even better blingbling ring.. :)

Anxiously waiting 4 2morow..

Results are gonna b release 2morow..

How scared and anxious am i? really really anxious...

wat worries me is my cgpa.. wat if i dont get above 3.5? wud that slim my chance of going overseas? wud it taint my already tainted and undignified record.. from a girl with a cgpa of 4.0.. i'm now a girl with less than that... who can i blame but myself?

i think i can also put blame on the system.. and the unfairness of marking.. somehow i dont entirely believe that those ukm people are really professional in marking.. if they gave me a C for my thesis which i believed was an A material.. who knows wat will happen.. regardless of how i enjoyed my last placement.. it wont guarentee me an A.. no matter how badly i want my cgpa tu b above 3.5...

i'm scared.. i've been unable to sleep at nights.. just thinking that my future depends on it..

Ya Allah ... help me... kepadaMu aku bertawakal dan berserah..

Memories

I was cleaning my room the other day and came across some very old pictures.. baby pics, toddler years and school years.. Ya Allah.. time flies pretty fast.. when i was young, i cant wait to get older.. always boasting to people that next year i'll turn 15 or 16.. and just impatiently waiting for the year i turn 21. but when 21 strikes, i just wish that time would slow down.. for me to cherish it properly.. treasure the moment..

When looking back at the school photos.. i realized that my frenz and i have turned into different people with different status and p.o.v. Some of us successfully accomplished what they wanted ever since school years.. some of changed ambitions. I was one of them. I wanted to become a peadiatrician. Turns out i couldnt stomach injecting people with needles and seeing small children sick.. turns out i became a clinical psychologists. But in some corner of my mind.. there's the all-time fave question.." what if?".. what if i didnt feel so burnt out during form 5.. wud i still be on this path? wat if i went to a private college rather than matriculation.. would i have succeeded beyond wat i am now? i shake my head.. telling myself the "what if" questions are no good. Allah knows best and He has designed this path for me.. No good in questioning what has happened but instead try to look at what lies in the future. Maybe i was destined to help children in another way.. psychologically and mentally.. mayb i have more empathy (since i'm a cry baby) that i can connect with people more... maybe this is for the best.. considering that my family needed me most throughout the past 6 years.. yeah.. i was going to awkward stages of development.. rebelling anyway i can.. trying to get my freedom.. and i am shame to admit that i have done wrong. and i'm trying really hard to make up to it... Ya Allah.. ampunkanla dosa2 ku..

But all the wrong doings made me the person i am today... hopefully for the better..

memories... how i miss the school days.. how i miss my childhood.. how i miss my grandma..

ooo... just memories.. sweet2 memories...

i'm still single btw.. haha.. boyfriendless... bukan jual mahal aaa... mayb xda jodoh lagi.. Allah knows best.. its not that i dont socialize.. I guess i just socialize with the same group.. my classmates.. and i'm not planning to date any1 of them.. i'm still single.. single.. it scares me sometime.. when my frenz r getting engaged and married.. and i'm still single.. is there really a prince charming? i dont think so.. but who knows rite? mr. charming can come in various shape and sizes. hmm... time will tell... wallahulam bisawab..

but how i hate it when people think i've married.. mayb coz i've gained weight.. fatter.. tembamer... huhu.. i need to slim down i guess..look more single.. dress like anak dara with style.. not like some old lady in her mid 30s.. how i wish i know how...

ok.. i'm just ranting.. just plain nonsense... better stop now..

For Arfah.. if she reads this..

u.. there's always an underlying reason behind all the gruesome and terrifying stories..

for eg.

a) my mom.. "tortures" me with the same story so i feel guilty and more appreciative of her.. hehe.. (slalu kena this method if i'm naughty).. her trump card u know.. to make me behave...

b) some ppl r dramatic.. i believe we have a couple of frenz that can flourish pretty well in a soap opera.. so u can just imagine the extra dose of drama in story telling.. regardless if this person ada personal xperience or not..

c) a lot of negative ppl in this world my dear..

p/s: most importantly nothing to fear with Allah there with you..

(hope i didnt add to ur stress/anxiety factor)

=)

"Good guys are hard to find. Easy to find guys are probably jerks".

Pray..

When life is hard.. and u feel that no one understands u.. always remember Allah is with u..

He Knows Best..

I miss u Wan

I miss my grandma!!!

I have two grandma's' 1 brought me up since i was a babe, 1 who i occasionally see once in 2 months. My Wan passed away 3 years ago.. and still i feel that it was just yesterday. It hurts.. I dnot think u get over the lost of a loved one.. U just move on with ur life.. cherishing all the memories we shared with the person.

I just miss Wan so much.. there would be days when i can just imagine her being at home.. just mentally ticking off things that she would be doing at that particular time.. then suddenly realizing that she's not there anymore. Everytime mom talks about Wan i tell her not to be sad but to move forward. Cherish and love. Continuously. But deep down, i feel u mom. I know what ur trying to tell me. I know how u feel. I miss her too...

I call my other grandma Nenek.. today.. somehow i called her Wan.. spontaneously..
and i felt really bad.. I miss her too much.. Thank God mom didnt hear me call her Wan.. if not she would have been shocked.. but then again.. its me.. i'm suffering from emotional deficit.. abnormal emotional development..

ceh.. anyways..

I pray that Allah puts Wan with golongan orang2 yang beriman dan beramal soleh.. God bless her.. Amin..

Positive Injection

I was thinking.. rather than vent our about all the negative things that happened in my life.. I might as well talk about all the positive things.. To be too negative is tiresome.. but to be positive, is hope.. hope for better solution and condition..

So i wanna make this blog as sweet as candy without stretching it from reality.. but i would vent eventually.. just not trash..polite venting.. is there such as thing?

Lazzy Bumm..

Ooo how nice it is to just sit back n relax.. reading novels, eating chips and chocolates, watching movies, streaming the latest drama... aaahh.. life feels good... but this is just temp. Just to recharge myself before i go back to work mode.. u know how perfectionist and obsessive i can be like..

Just a kind reminder to myself:

1. By the end of this week, i must complete the cognitive module.
2. By monday next week, i must start on the 20 page artikel for my sabah presentation.
3. Prepare slides for my sabah presentation.
4. Read journals so i can sharpen my writing skills.
5. Write articles, chapters and books to publish.
6. Help search for Prof.'s inaugral material.

I like work.. but i detest being overly stressed out by work...

p/s: good news, after 3 long weeks, i finally got back my iphone. love iphone despite the technical problems here n there... Mom hates her htc.. although she just got it a few days ago. Now she's really pissed of.. and wants to trade it for blackberry storm. Doink!

Stupid Iphone

Stupid iphone..

that's my complaint today.. u lasted 4 3 weeks.. now u've gona crazy.. driving me crazy.. darn..
sucks big time..

In Need of Social Skills Training

Huhuhu...

Lately i've been having problems with communicating with others.. practically i get tongue-tied and start to stutter. God.. I wasnt like this b4.. dunno wat happen.. lack of socialization with humans? especially the opposite gender?

The story: Girl meets boy at a computer shop. Boy works there.. Girl cant even look the guy in the eye. Stumbles whenever she talks.. Avoid eye contact.. and rushes out the store..

Weird things is: Girl always used her full name.. never introduced her nickname.. Guys knows n rites her nickname on the computer bag. hmmm.... Guy calls girl using her nickname instead of her full name.. weird..

Conclusion: Girl reading too much into the situation.. hehe

Nite.. outz

Work Work Work

Oooo dear...

I have 2 months left before i start clocking in back to work in UPM. These 2 months are not gonna be filled with activities such as reading novels or playing games... but work n work n work..

i got a new assignment from my 24/7 boss. hehe... she wanted me to make a book out of my master's thesis... sounds easy rite?? but have to edit a lot of the thesis to make it concise.. hailaaa... manyak susah ooo... somehow i think my otak alrady jam one.. like somehow my skills in writing has reduce to 0.. dush...

nvm2.. all negative thoughts.. i'll have to cbt my self.. hehe...

regardless of how many workload i have... i am still reading my novels.. i secretly bought 3 novels.. still wrapped and just waiting for the rite time to read it.. and.. i have one choclate game to finish.. :))

First time buying whiskers..

Today is another history in making.. it was the first time i bought whiskers for my stray cats.. u see.. my mom is scared of cats.. but me, my dad & my grandma are cat lovers.. ever since i was a little girl, i wanted to have a cat.. stray pun stray laa.. hehe.. that i wud sneak out n play with the kittens and feed them left overs.. Mom wud always say no cats.. dont play with cats.. she wud scream loudly if she sees a cat or hear it meowing..

this has been going on for 24 years..

lately though.. mom kinda mellowed down.. i can play with cats n feed them without getting any scolding.. so happens that the new batch of kittens illegally staying at my house are triple cute.. a mix of siamese with domestic cat breed.. usually my maid n i would give them keropok.. although it aint much.. at least they get to eat something rite? but a couple of days ago.. all the keropok at home ran out.. today i went to carrefour and bought a box of whiskers.. now i know that they have different food for adult cats n kitten.. hahaha...

so came back from the store.. gave my litter the food and they pounced it like crazy.. they've been starved i guess.. huhu..poor things... looking at my window now.. i see them all sleeping.. their tank fulll.. they have this peaceful look on their faces.. haha..yeah.. i'm happy.. at least i get to feed one of God's creation.. sedekah jugak kan?

May Allah bless...

What People Expect

People tend to expect great things from me.. mom, dad.. other people..

i dont know y they think i'm capable of doing something i'm not..For example, giving a 4-hour talk about parenting to parents. I'm 25, single.. and have no experience watsoever about parenting.. yeah.. i'm trained to be a clinical psychologist.. but... to talk about something that i dont feel for? hmm.. so not me... i've tried to say no.. but somehow i feel that i let people down.. be more assertive.. say no when u cant handle it..

i guess.. i hate to let people down.. especially my parents.. hmm.. b strong.. stay focus.. InsyaAllah they will understand my need.. i cant change myself to be someone they want me to be.. this is me.. i'll try to change for the better.. but they have to accept the fact that this is me..

The End of Placement

I am so happy that my placement at HUKM has ended.. 32 weeks of pure torture.. well.. come to think bout it.. time flew by pretty fast.. i hated the first 16 weeks.. it was so stressful..then again, i have to thank my supervisor for that.. having an anal person as ur supervisor sure tested my limits.. sigh..

but.. i enjoyed the last 16 weeks of practicum.. wat freedom, i tell u! from having one su strict, my last supervisor was one emphasized on freedom to grow and being independent.. although she didnt supervised me as much, she still taught me a few tricks in the book. she never belittled me, never scolded me, never laughed at my stupidity and uncertainty. i love u 4 that sv! thank u 4 everything...

Sanctuary

Finally...

A place to vent.. to rant.. to say watever i want to say..

From now onwards.. i pledge to pour my heart and thoughts out.. and just have fun!

Yeay!!