When $ becomes an Issue

We will never have enough of money... regardless how much u earn for a month..with all the bills to pay.. u still feel like u have so little...

I've been facing financial difficulties these past few months... My credit card has soared way beyond the clouds... and i'm in deep trouble... After psychoanalyzing myself, i realized that in a month i would spend less than rm100 on myself for junk food, clothes and books..

but... there's my car that i have to pay, gas, insurances, groceries, things that my mama wants..things that my dad claims he has no money to pay... i find myself forking up my own money to pay for all these stuff... its nothing new.. its an old pattern.. old habit die hard... but in July i went to Sabah.. all eating expanses were on me with a magical wave of my credit card.. my keypochee mummy suggested that i need a wardrobe change... went shopping.. with her approval... spent nonsense.. wat was i thinking?!!

• suffered from people and family teasing me coz i put on extra pounds <---- reason behind the binge eating... depression at bay...

• bought stuff that i didnt want..but was force upon me <--- i really need to learn to say no!!!! even to family...
  
• now its approaching raya time... more money to give... <--- have to give special ang paus to grandparents... aunties.. and niece and nephews...

i'm really low this month... come to think of it, i just spent rm100 yesterday for groceries shopping... 3 of which are expensive nangka that my mother loves, 2 things which my maid wants to bring back home to indon... and just ayamas chicken for me to fry for brbuka and sahur... owh.. and i went to mph and bought books... 2 of which are mom's and the rest was mine...

Sayings that haunt me:

Your a rich girl.. u can surely pay for our group's dinner...
Your such a bad liar.. u cant have financial problems coz u can easily ask from FAMA...
Your the richest kid on the block..
You just oooze with richness...
You spend a lot like u have loads of cash stash away... (this hurts the most, coz I'm buying wat ur telling me to buy!!!)

How is it that those closest to you dont understand u?

Money will always be a problem.. u wont have enough of it...

Penghulu Istighfar..

While I was watching Ar-Rayyan, i learned a very valuable lesson. Ustazah Fatma Az-Zahra was saying that sometimes when Allah doesnt give u wat u want, u may have some debt to pay to him, some dosa left that u didnt realize u have and apologized for... Ya Allah ...Sesungguhnya aku banyak berbuat dosa padaMu...Ampunkanlah aku...

Rasulullah ajar umatnya amalkan penghulu istighfar. Banyak fadhilat bila kite amalkan Penghulu Istighfar ni...dan sebaik2nya we should recite this istighfar everytime after prayer...

Ya, Allah Engkaulah Tuhanku, Tidak ada Tuhan selain Engkau, Engkaulah yang menjadikan aku. Sedang aku adalah hambaMu dan aku di dalam genggamanMu dan di dalam perjanjian setia ( beriman dan Taat ) kepadaMu sekuat mampuku. Aku berlindung kepadaMu dari kejahatan yang telah ku lakukan. Aku mengakui atas segala nikmat yang telah Engkau berikan kepada ku dan aku mengaku segala dosaku. Maka ampunilah aku. Sesungguhnya tidak ada yang dapat mengampuni segala dosa kecuali Engkau. Amin

InsyaAllah...starting from now..I'll practice this selawat dutifully... InsyaAllah..

M.I.A

Early on when i started this blog, i made a promise to myself that i must make an entry every month. Just to get rid of all the -ve emotions or extremely +ve emotions that i feel. But alas... i have not made an entry for 2 whole months. Bad girl!

Well.. there were just too many reasons.

1) So many exciting and scary things happened in July and i just felt so overwhelm to even write it down. But a summary of what happen to me are as follows:

• Started work back at the department on the 1st of july. Yikes!
• Some idiot broke into my room at 6 am on 3rd July in hopes of catching me asleep in my bed so he can robe me penniless. Dem! The idiot cleverly ran away after hearing me scream at the top of my lungs...PENCURI!!!! PENCURI!!!
  
• I was traumatized...cudnt sleep in my own room. I keep having images of a stick protruding between the curtains.
  
• I was called fat by so many people from my hairdress to my tailor to my dentist... and lets not exclude friends and family...
• I was ordered to further my phd by next year.. "go off to australia", says my dean.
  
• Still searching for the one..

Then July became boring again after it entered its 3rd week....

August was suppose to be exciting with convo and all... and yes i had a blast seeing the girls and talking... Nothing interesting much happened this month.. All i can remember is that i had issues ( a lot of them mind u) with UKM for its slowness and clumsiness in all things related to my Convo.

Owh.. its Ramadhan.. Yeay! Love this month.. My tummy feels so relax.. its on Vacay u see... but yet i need to lose some extra fat... so i've been told.. hmmph!

What about work? Well... I see patients on Monday.. or shud i say patient. One. Singular. Child case. Poligami syndrome case. Adoi... Kesian this kid. And she also gets teased for being fat! I feel u kiddo... i really do...

Besides this adorable girl, i have been spending time at home or at the office.. typing away on my lappie.. not to babble in here... but to write articles... and send them off in impact as well as cited journals... if not, my CV wud look like a baby's.. a rookie's when i apply for my phd... so i'm working my butt off... preparing articles.... and i'm tired..and i'm stress...

So now we enter September.... Ahhh... how fun is September..... A dear friends birthday is coming up!! Yeay! But i suck at buying presents... huhu... my bad..

and just of last night, i've sent another article to a cited journal... Ya Allah...plz let it be accepted this time.. (yes.. my first baby got rejected, and i got bruised!). Mudahkanla Ya Allah.. so i wud b able to put it in my CV.

So i guess.. this pays off for the 2 whole month of being MIA rite?

So What?

I dont get it y other ppl have issues with my nody weight!

To be really honest, i'm not the skinny type girl.. no fat-no flesh kinda type.. i'm a bit chubby.. A BIT... so y do i have friends that call me fatso? Or embarrass me on the www. by telling ppl that i am ashamed to show my face in social settings coz i'm fat! uggh..stupid2 friend... mayb i should not even call u a friend.. a friend wont see the physical part of me.. but they wud see my heart. kan? I believe so...

And the torment doesnt stop there... my family also says i'm putting extra extra weight.. but the scales says i'm still within acceptable range.. gemuk x kurus x... just nice.. i want to believe so! It does get irritating when ur about to put food in ur mouth, someone beside would say , "Dont eat to much or u'll get fatter...". Way to kill ur appetite...

Wat do these ppl want me to do? Starve myself to death? Fast 24/7? I really do know how people with eating disorders feel... how they feel so pressured just to please others in order to be called beautiful...

I've been trying to CBT myself..but constant and persistent attack on my coping mechanism aint helping me deal with my "weight problem".

Please...please...give it a rest...

Just accept me for who i am...