Wat happened in June

So many things happened in June..

I find myself wanting to write it down.. but with all the things that happened, blogging became a dream..

I refuse to think about the bad things that have happened to me in this month. The past is the past.. and I refuse to remember those who played such insignificant roles in my life. However, I do thank those people for the lessons in life.. and for giving me the fire to shut u down in the future.. Revenge is sweet, you know?

Good news:

Alhamdulillah, I got the scholarship from KPT. Now I can go overseas and further my studies. With that great news, I found myself bombarded with forms to complete and to hand back to KPT as well as ANU. I found myself booking my plane ticket from Malaysia.. and booking a plane ticket only for the parents from Canberra.. I found myself mentally preparing my parents for days that I wont be here to help them with the internet or phone problem, or helping them with the TV, or with sending them off to work.. I found myself growing up and at the same time feeling scared.. Scared of the unknown future.. I have a habit of being scared of things that I cant picture in my head or control..

I found myself slowly buying clothes to wear as a student.. I found myself losing weight and remembering with the hectic schedule I dont eat regularly or well. I also found myself booking a room at the Uni that has a shared bathroom. U know, matriks style.. It so happens to be a college where there are boys and girls.. not like here. nothing like here.. i guess u understand now y i'm a bit scared..

I found myself looking at the calender and realizing that 2 months isnt that far away...

10 SEPTEMBER 2010 @ 10.10pm

That's the date..
Its hari raya..First day of eid..
And I choose to leave.. Jihad menuntut ilmu..
Its not easy..So I hope you give me the support I need..
so I can come back safe and successful in 2013.

Overwhelmed..

Really am overwhelm.. with work.. wat else.. work work work..

Been sleeping late around 2-3am these past couple of days. I really need good coffee.. trying very hard to resist starbucks..

Sleep deprived me has no energy to finish Darwin's paper.. which shall b presented tomorrow in front of the goody two shoes...

sobs.. hating the department i work in... not liking how the system works.. know that i'll be there for eternity...

oh.. brave my heart ya Allah.. for sure i need ur strength now..

note to self: learn to keep ur mouth shut.. sometimes not saying is much much better... more harmless and less likely to kill any cats...

What happened in May...

To be honest, a lot of things happened in May..

bcoz of my hectic time table these days.. i just cudnt find the energy to write in my blog.. to jot down the memories..

owh my.. all i remember was early this month, my friend hapiz got married.. that was on the 1st of may.. now its the 31st.. i wanted to pack baskin robbins today.. but wasnt in the mood.. i passed up baskin thrice this week.. hence, i am declaring myself entering a critical period.. i no longer have the mood for korean or for ice cream.. huhuhu...warning bells, if you please.

to Psyche: last week was brutal.. hope this week choc session is still on.. u never know wat kind of program just springs in between now and the future.. and boy oh boy.. the stories i have will fill ur ears smp u muak agaknya.. huhu... update me plz on our escapade status..

hugs xoxoxo

Drama Melayu

Nowadays orang ramai sibuk mengatakan tentang drama slot akasia... oo mmg best cite.. awal2 jela... i like jugak.. coz its romantic and sweet.. love after marriage... but typical malay drama... there will be plots where either the main characters have affairs, hasad dengki berlaku dgn nyatanya dan macam2 lagi... so what messages are these producers trying to tell people? That part I dont get... Y must u create crazy plots just to tell people a simple message of love and loyalty...

That's y although hero dia handsome mana pun, and babe dia cun mana pun.. I stopped watching the show.. The thing is I prefer to watch dramas that are light and have a happy storyline.. fun to watch... Its bad enough u hear stories about the big bad world.. People are getting scarier by day... And U meet with patients that have their own sad tale... So, when u watch dramas that have all the negative storylines... i just become so bored with em...

Again.. I feel the my Korean fever is coming back.. bahagia jiwa ku... kelakar pun ye...

p/s: sesungguhnya saya stress bila mengenangkn this week alone I have to finish 4 reports.. and next week i'll be seeing 2 new cases... sum that up and i'll have 6 reports to write... yippie!! :(

owh jantungku..

Nearly had a minor heart attack...

Akhirnya, the acknowledgment email from ANU has safely arrived in my inbox.. dug dap dug dap.. baru acknowledgment... blum acceptance lagi.. jadi saya dan ahli keluarga dan harapnya rakan2 masih terus berdoa...

oo... tarikh email dari ANU tu 2 Mac 2010.. maknanya agentku buat balut jambu dulu email tu br nk forward kt saya... bagus2... xpela.. as long as I now have evidence that my application is being process...

lets continue praying...insyaAllah I will get the chance to go there by the end of this year...

Eh... saya bosan tahu?

Minggu ni saya buat clinic 2 hari memandangkan minggu lepas saya cancel kerana demam... so bila ganti tu maknanya double the dose of patients laa...

kesimpulannya report pun double!!! bab2 tulis report ni memang lemah lutut dibuatnya... Can you imagine doing this for the rest of ur professional life??? waa... long way to go... xpe2.. nnt klu dh ada doctorate.. akan ku kerjakan trainees utk buat assmnt.. sure diorg nyumpah like how i was when i was a trainee.. muhahaha... ish2 x baik...

entri kali ini tidak ada point mahupun value.. i'm just dead bored! Kira after 16 days of umrah, 1 week of sick leave, 3 days of going to kelantan and 2 days of clinic, this is my first day to sit from morning till evening at the office.. aduiyaaa.... then i am fidgeting like an ADHD kid already! In search for candy tp tgh diet kn... haa... mana nk cari gula?

supposed to have a meeting today but got canceled.. xpe2.. suka2 :) but then does it mean I have to go to that workshop? Abaikn je la... buat pekak shj...

Savor the moment is out..unfortunately secara digital not yet.. so need more patience...

I need CBT btw.. cause i'm having these negative images about how terrible the toilets and sleeping arrangement would be at balik pulau..oh no...i'm turning into an OCD wannabe... huhuhu... plz... i dont care about the content of the module but more to the cleanliness of the facilities there! eeee.... tolong... 5 days and 4 nights seems like years...

yapping yapping yapping...

i miss my friends laa.. kt opis ni xda rakan sebaya tahu... i am alone.. my work frens are older..like 10 years gap gitu... so it means.. i have to act older... and its killing me... haha... saya masih muda di hati... oleh itu, saya x sabar nk jumpa rakan2 sekolah saya hjg minggu ini... wlpn saya tahu pasti saya akan mentally kill one of them... u always have that type of friend yg suka ckp laser... bak kata org tua2 ... mulut dia xda pilotnya... hahaha... we will see the fireworks i guess... saya nk jadi baik.. so i have to have a clean heart... x makan hati la kawan2 buat jahat pun... buatla buatla... org teraniaya slalu dpt pembelaan...

ape lg ni... kakak... jgnla ketuk2 pintu saya... trsangkut2 saya nk tulis blog ni...

eh, r u bored yet? I am... told u it was a boring entry... sape suh baca kn.. ;)

luv ya to bits...

I am anxiously waiting...

In the morning I wish time would slow down,
In the afternoon I laze around and wish that time would just fly by,
At night I toss and turn anxiously around,
Waiting for you to just come and be close by,
if not physically, digitally then

Ooo... saya x sabar mahu baca buku ini... which will be released in the US on 27th April... oo cepat la.. itchy betul mahu membaca sambungan kisah cinta 4 sahabat..

To u dear mama LA, i recommend u read this series.. its heart-warming and has zero-complicated plots.. haha.. not ur average cup of tea, i understand.. by my oh-so-over-romantic-heart strongly suggest you read this :)

2 Weeks After...

It has been 2 weeks since we got back from Umrah... ooo...how wonderful it was! I missed those days and routines...my 16 day-Umrah schedule was pretty simple... sleep-wake up-go to mosque-eat-sleep-wake up-go to mosque... and the cycled continued till the 10th of april...

Now after 2 weeks in Malaysia... after a week of hard work..then another week of illness (had terrible flu + cough)..took 1 week off.. padan muka. that's wat u get for not resting properly after a long journey.. my body cudnt take it.. it just succumbed and begged me to sleep n rest for a week...

There are so many things that I want to jot down.. but some how... I just cant get the words out.. my worries about furthering my studies, the future, my parents health, basically everything that's ticking and happening in my life at this moment...

Well.. all I can say is:

• I'm still hoping and praying for a place at ANU with scholarship to boot.. havent received any news..TQVM A for checking my mails while I was gone... hoping to get something by June...
  
• I am praying that I will survive the 5 days 4 nights BTN course that I will have to endure at the end of next month..
• I'm praying that the itch on my finger would stop... coz its giving me crazy ideas!!!
• I'm praying that I can publish a lot this year before I go for my phD
• I'm praying for my heart to behave!
• I'm praying that I dont become a hypochondriac! NSZ, stop diagnosing urself!... owh the anxiety
  
• I'm praying for a moment of fun with my girl pals... just to hang out and eat chocs + ice cream... when I am financially stable...
• and the most important thing: I'm praying for Allah to give me strength... Amin....
  

Fate...

A month ago, a boy, now a man, got married to this very beautiful woman... I first met this boy when I was 4 years old.. Just arrived in the States at that time.. My family and I didnt have any place to stay.. so, we stayed at their house for a couple of weeks.. I instantly hit it off with his younger brother, who was the same age as I. But this boy, 2 years older than me, was super duper shy. He never ever talked to me at all... for the years that I knew him...never ever...

So, after leaving the states, I never saw him again. But our parents worked in the same university. I would now and then hear stories bout him and his brothers. But no face to face contact for nearly 20 years. That was until Raya last year, we finally met at an old friends' house. He came with his parents. He still seemed shy..but he turned out to be quite a man! hehe...usha jgn x usha... He had this Arabian look going on.. macho to my eyes and to my old time childhood girlfriend..

Our dad's started talking bout how he doesnt have a gf yet, and how I dont have a bf yet... and how he needed to find a wife.. my dad was just laughing it off... but he got the feeling that his dad had a hidden meaning... our mothers were talking bout the old days, how we were so small way back then... but the fact was, I wanted to look at and talk to the handsome guy outside... but he seemed extremely shy and not interested in little me...

Even when we were faced to face, he was counting the ants on the ground.... and i felt a bit sad that he didnt even look at me... was i that unattractive? Surprise2 my dad, in the car suddenly said, y wasnt he looking at you? wasnt he interested? hahaha...that really made me laugh...i went home, looked him up on FB but didnt have the courage to add him as a friend.. coz he seemed so not into me...I didnt want to embarrass myself by adding him and acting all friendly with a guy who was more interested in the structure of the ground rather than me...

So, back to the present...a month has past after his wedding reception. My dad bumped into him and his new wife at the shopping complex last week.. he, surprised my dad by asking bout me and saying that he saw me at his reception but wasnt able to sit and talk with me.... honestly I was standing when he was walking his bride down the aisle.. and we clashed eyes.. I smiled and immediately looked away... assuming that he didnt recognize me at all... boy was I wrong...

So, because he suddenly remembered my existence, I added him as a friend on FB. And I relearned the lesson of fate:

soal jodoh pertemuan di tangan tuhan.. tak kira ape yg tersirat di dalam hati kita...

He sent me a message saying that he was happy to talk to me after all this while... that last year during the raya gathering he was honestly looking for me, trying to catch a glimpse of me.. he was hoping that we cud have gotten to know each other more.. and perhaps something further...funny thing was, I was there... right in front of his eyes...looking at him, smiling at him, his dad talked to me.. his mom hugged me...yet he cudnt see me at all... funny funny funny... Allah tutup mata dia, pintu hati dia...

and now he's asking to meet up and catch up... and saying stuff that i dont really think is appropriate for a married man.. huhu... i dont agree with all the friendliness after marriage... and funny again, how suddenly i've been contacted by married guys asking to be friends again... dugaan apakah ini? So, I politely dismiss further flirtatious messages thru FB and cheekily asked him to bring along a single and hot guy for me if and when we meet up.. hehe... but tipu la if I didnt have the what-ifs going on... the past can not be rewritten... everything happens for a reason.. so dear heart, please stop ur irrational hurting.. this shudnt coz u pain!

or is the pain caused by a close online friend who is hinting for more...

dont u know?

the only reason that I have not fully accepted a guy is because of my parents? They are the world to me.. and it is mighty important for my guy to be accepted by them and to accept them.. to be able to live with them under the same roof... now, would any guy in their right mind agree to that? I dont waste time anymore with playing the field... if any guy can actually love my parents, care for them... then I would gladly give you my whole heart...

Ya Allah... kepadaMu aku berserah....

the point of my entry today is: fate... it's really something... Allah knows best..

Messy mind, messy heart

I havent been writing lately... Just didnt have the mood.. Coz my heart was going 'blah' nearly every second...

I've been such a mess lately...

Keeping everyone happy is taking a toll lately..

I feel that I am no longer able to just shrug my shoulders and move on...

I need something BIG to distract myself.... and need RESCUE....

I just wish that people would understand more....

I'm so emotionally tired....

I need my pralines and cream ASAP....

Dont Let Your Parents Play With Fire

Last Sunday, a family wanted to rent our homestay. So as custom, my family went up there to do some cleaning and preparation. I choose not to go up. For one thing, I was irritated and needed space to cool down. So I opted not to help my parents out. Turns out it was a bad idea...

Mom has been a bit weird this past few days. She's bit crankier than usual and her mood swing...woooah... i cant keep track of em. So last Sunday, i think i was getting a scolding (I was confused, u see, since she was happy one moment and babbling the next), so she went up with Kak Ul first..Dad drove in another car.

So, all went well. They came down after 2 hours. Sweating but happy. Mom in her good mood now, told me that they gathered some trash and did a no-no, which was pembakaran terbuk. Mom said that the fire was small but before they left dad added more stuff to burn... yada yada yada... Basically, just small talk between my family and I...

Now the interesting part begins...

About 3 hours later, my auntie called from Nilai (this auntie used to live in the house, so she's close with my next door neighbor). She was frantic! Saying that our homestay was nearly caught on fire. Our neighbor panic, seeing how high the flames was... but mom was oh so cool.. she just said...relax sis, I lit the fire to get rid of some trash...just a small fire.... but then my auntie said how small is small? Since my neighbor called the fire brigade. Then mom started to panic and promised my auntie that we will be going up shortly to see the damage. Honestly, I think Mom thought the neighbor was exaggerating. She's known to be a drama queen.

But...

Instead of going up themselves, Mom and Dad thought it would be best for me to go up and check it out. Since I didnt go up there this morning. I went up with my cousin, A. I was thinking.. its not so bad... small fire....

But OMG!!!! When we arrived, I was shocked to see a fire truck with a dozen of firemen on my porch. They had this mean look on their faces. Like saying "How stupid can u bee to light a fire and leave the place?"

But what shocked me the most was the fact that behind our porch, our green small hill... has turn pitch black... sehitam2nya.... and judging from the ashes and the marks there....well it was indeed a very very very big fire....

So, who got scolded?

Obviously me....since I was sent to the slaughter by my adorable parents. The parents who played with fire and left the house... who forgot to clear the surroundings of the place where they lit the fire...

Funny thing was... my mom wanted to burn very little trash. I truly believed that by putting it in the trash can and waiting for the truck to come would have been a waaay better idea. But mom wanted to get rid of the bottles and some other junks. Did it burn during the fire? Nope. It was still there...whole and looking like new.

But what triggered the blazing fire on the hill was actually a black hose. They (my parents) forgot to kick the pipe aside.. far far away from the fire.... They're blaming each other... It was mom's genius idea to light a fire, Kak Ul's hand who lit it.. and Dad who added more pile of trash to it...

U have to remember, it was super hot during the weekends.. So, fire easily spread...

My story doesnt do much justice. I took pictures but its in my phone. I will upload later...

But the conclusion is: Dont let children and adults play with fire.. and dont leave your parents unsupervised....

With getting scolded from my mom in the morning, the firemen and neighbor in the afternoon, i was really looking forward for happy hour with friends... well.. that didnt happen either.

I forgive you guys since well 2 of you are married: 1 with a baby boy, 1 just found out she was pregnant, 2 of u r doctors: off days are sacred huh, and 1 of u prefer to go out in a big group rather than just the 2 of us....

well... watever... its been an emotional experience..this CNY...

Its the I Hate day...

I hate it when people break promises...

I hate it when everyone expects me to shoulder the responsibility...

I hate it when people just take things too easy...

I hate it when people or so-called friends find you when they are in need but ignores you during your time in need...

I hate it when I have to be oh so good nature and accept all the jibes about my "richness"

I hate it when I cancel family plans to make allowances for friend outing to now that in the end they just vanish on the day we were supposed to go outing.....

I hate it when what I plan doesnt pull through...

I hate it when I have to correct and edit other people's work..and their work doesnt make sense at all!

I hate it when my hopes and dreams are shattered into millions of pieces...

and I really hate when I've never learned my lesson...


The story....

For 2 whole weeks, my friends and I had been planning an outing. Jalan-jalan cari makan... One of my friends wanted to eat pizza.. so post it on my wall.... "lets go and eat pizza" she says. Another friend posted that it has been ages since she has last seen us as a group. Lets get together, she says. So who do they turn to gather all these people? The one and only me...

So as requested, I sms and call up my friends... "Yeah, sure!", they all say. I stressed out the point that it is a tong-tong event.. I wont collect the bill... "Yeah no problem", they say.

So happen yesterday was dad's birthday.. and we as a family wanted to celebrate it. Since mom n dad left for kampung yesterday, they wanted to celebrate today (tuesday). I told them I cant coz I already made plans with dear friends. So, since mom and dad nowadays really wants me to socialize, they were all for it.. "Yeah go out and meet people" mom says. But mom and dad really wanted to celebrate with me. They rushed back home and we went out to alamanda. They were extremely exhausted. Kesian. But they wanted me to have fun with friends today. So they tolerated.

But as said day appears... What happened? My friends all went MIA. Call2..x angkat.. SMS x balas2... all of them just vanished. Hey, who's idea was it? Why am I left doing all the arrangements and calling you people up? So, since we were supposed to go to Midvalley we had to leave by 11 am. Its 11:30 am now.. and I havent managed to contact a soul..except for M. She was the one who wanted pizza and declined to be the mastermind. Now she's the one who telling me to chillax..we can plan another outing next week..

U know what went straight to my head? SAPE NK PLAN? KO NK PLAN KE??? BALIK2 KO PASS KT AKU!

I'm really pissed..because this is the second week in a row that we had to reschedule... and it takes my time just to rearrange everybody else's schedule. demmmm it......

I hate it when people just assume that yeah anything can be done as long as there's a leader, all unanimously turn to me... deeeemmmmm it....

Note to self: next time just dont bother with these friends... If they say lets get together... I would be the other end that says "Sure, y not. Call me when you have everything planned out!" and i'm not going to put u before my family. I hate hate hate it when people just vanished or cancel on me without good reason.

hhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... its been an emotional and stressful week.. I just needed to vent...

btw.. mom and dad played with fire yesterday. They nearly set the homestay on fire... yikes....

Cost of Studying in Australia

Per year it would cost me A$28000 =RM84,274.80....

So, the golden question is: Where the heck do I find money like that???

No Scholarship for 2010

No mood to write...

No mood for everything...

Haih...

2x in a row..

it was like this when I did my masters..

and here we are back to square 1...

No mood...

I need ice cream....

He's off limit....

Aww... and here i thought i was having fun... to have that hope and that giddiness alive...

I was told by my cousin's wife, that her friend told her that N is married... although another friend (who so happens to be N's X) said he's still single... but when there's talk that he may be married.. well..lets just move on...

But to come to think of it, my friend who so happens to be his front door neighbor hasnt said anything.. Regardless, I think its time to just move on.. Let january be the last month I'm haunted by N....

To be honest, guys like N are never single.. with brain, looks, and good background its just stupid to think that there isnt a groupie somewhere chasing him... and I dont wanna join that group...

So to N, thank you for the train memories, the hopes and dreams.. Although it was definitely just on my part, you unknowingly helped healed a broken heart...

The Strangest Month Ever

We would be soon waving January goodbye and saying Hello to February...

This month flew by pretty fast... and it has been a very long roller coaster ride. So many ups and downs... Strangest things keep happening... especially with Phd thingy as well as relationship wise.. the lack of or the soon to be...haha... a girl can always dream rite...

Looking back, I've started to receive replies from supervisors all over australia. Mos of them are telling me they cant take me. Coz they're pretty full. I was praying and hoping for Melbourne coz of the split-phd program. Funding would not be an issue. But its not my rezeki i guess... Moving on to Uni of Adelaide.. Good news after 3 days of waiting but only managed to get a partial yes from the potential supervisor. Then she went MIA for 2/3 weeks.. I have promised myself that I would start hunting people down on 1st of February.... beware ppl.. i mean business...

My emotions lately is twisting and turning... I cant sleep at night.. Mostly thinking would I be to go to OZ or not.. Now suddenly with the scholarship issue... Apparently, since our country is suffering economically (u cant see it if u go to malls on the weekends, it is forever pack with people!), scholarships are hard to get. That's a bummer... but its so out of my control...

Then back to the emotion thingy... I feel like a 6 years old..being and feeling helpless, the need for a temper tantrum, lack of motivation to actually sit down and do work, and the uncontrollable urge to binge. Ahhh... the psychologist in me would say, ur stress. What's bothering you? I know wat the problem is... its just I'm helpless to do anything bout it. I leave it to the higher power to determine my fate..

And somehow N has come back into my life.. not physically but more like a ghost who keeps haunting my thoughts and dreams... Somehow, my new friends or connections would end up with N... cousins's wife is BFF with his close friend who so happens to work in the same department as him... So these two married ladies are acting as the middle person. But to be really honest, my SE at the moment and my physique isnt really at a great level. Its still needs major improvement... Yes, I know I have to cut down on every sweetness that I eat and breathe.
Well, only time will tell what happens between me & N.. he's a ghost remember... and note to self, please stop looking at N's pic... ur creeping urself out!! pppftt...

Strange month, this January... I hope February brings me more joy and less tears... I've watched enough of Koreans (so not TRUE!).. And I need to come up with a good script and plan as well as a very polite face to tell all the makcik2 near my house to mind their bloody business. Getting royally pissed when they keep asking me the golden question. What is it with people? When ur not married, they ask u when u'll get married. Then when ur married, they'll ask when ur gonna have a baby. Then when you do get a baby, they'll prob. ask u when ur getting another baby... Y cant every1 b satisfied with God's plan??? Chillax people... Only God knows Y to all ur questions....

Bye2 January... HiHi February....

Aktiviti Hujung Minggu Saya

Sweet 18

Wonderful life

ENOUGH SAID

When your hearts not in it...

People say we must do what we love to do, we must do what feel passionate about... Follow your heart.. A happy heart means a healthy mind..

I'm torn. Stuck in the middle of a very important decision that can influence my future.. or so people are telling me..

Its regarding my PhD topic.. One of my colleagues is really into intervention, so she pushes me to follow her footsteps. A PhD focusing on the effectiveness of intervention is better than just doing survey, she says. That is what makes you a really qualified clin psych. Expert in the field. You build your name about it.. The expert in intervention for children and adolescent. I have another friend, who is saying that I must do a PhD research that can be useful to the department. Go for Autism or ADHD or even family therapy, he says.

I have another colleague who through her bad experience with he PhD in intervention says, follow your heart. If your not really 100% into doing intervention, that its gonna be a very thorny road ahead. But you can always do intervention later on.. not for PhD when you have a time limit of three years. She told me to take her case as an example. She initially did a research on intervention but after her viva and spending 1 year + on the proposal, her research was turned down. After that came all the bad experience with the supervisor, and switching to another supervisor who didnt want to use the same data. So it was basically starting a new research in your 2nd year of Phd. Wowwy...Nauzubillah... So, she repeats. Better do survey because you wont endure all this...Some maybe lucky in getting good responses from respondents. Some may not be so lucky. Now, what has my life taught me? Is the system usually my friend or foe?

When I think about all this, deep down I know that a research regarding intervention can be done, if I force myself into it. But right now, as this moment, my heart is so set on doing a survey. Before we focus on treatment, shudnt we know whether parents are actually educated about the disorder first?

So...My heart is not in it... I cant do a CBT intervention program. Somore with adolescents. I'm not that good and that motivated.. Well...not in this issue...

Ya Allah...the road ahead is so challenging...and so out of my control.. the fear of the unknown... I cant lay out what will happen down the road...with the new policy and no scholarship rumors... Allah....

Tabah2...

The Unknown Reason...

Y torture yourself?

Y hold on to the past when God has destined a better future for you?

Y must you still feel the pain in your heart when you look back in the past?

When do u think u'll be able to forgive and forget?

When will u be able to trust again?

When will you be able to be completely and 100% normal again?

Pain2 go away, let the memories slip and fly away....
Bring back the world I used to know,
Bring back the innocence that was once mine....

Owh the anxiety...

A.N.X.I.O.U.S

I AM ONE ANXIOUS GIRL.....

EXPERIENCING SMALL HEART ATTACKS EVERYTIME I OPEN MY EMAIL....

YA ALLAH, GIVE ME STRENGTH....

Just this...

Where is the moment we needed the most 
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost 
You tell me your blue skies fade to grey 
You tell me your passion's gone away 
And I don't need no carryin' on 

You stand in the line just to hit a new low 
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go 
You tell me your life's been way off line 
You're falling to pieces everytime 
And I don't need no carryin' on 

Because you had a bad day 
You're taking one down 
You sing a sad song just to turn it around 
You say you don't know 
You tell me don't lie 
You work at a smile and you go for a ride 
You had a bad day 
The camera don't lie 
You're coming back down and you really don't mind 
You had a bad day 
You had a bad day 

Well, you need a blue sky holiday 
The point is they laugh at what you say 
And I don't need no carryin' on 

You had a bad day 
You're taking one down 
You sing a sad song just to turn it around 
You say you don't know 
You tell me don't lie 
You work at a smile and you go for a ride 
You had a bad day 
The camera don't lie 
You're coming back down and you really don't mind 
You had a bad day 

Maybe it isnt made to be...

Past few days have been a roller coaster...

Main issue: Melbourne and furthering studies..

I approached 4 potential supervisors in hopes that one of them would be able to supervise my PhD. As of 5 minutes ago, 3 of them have said no. Not enough space, they say. Allahuakbar.. Luluh hati..
I've tried emailing other universities. Some have replied, some have not.

I'm just worried. July isnt that far away. I need to out of UPM by then.

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah urusan hambaMu ini...

Korean Wave

Last Friday, I bought My Lovely Sam-Soon. Hero was handsome, story was interesting. I managed to finish 16 hours++ of drama in 3 days. Addicted x hingat... But I really enjoyed myself.. Laughed a lot, shed a few tears and had a bucket full of wishes by the time I was finished with the story. Now my parents are the one addicted to this show. They have been watching it every night since last Sunday. Hahahaha..I am a very bad influence..

My Lovely Sam-Soon

After I was done with that drama, I was still in the mood for more Korean. So I watched a rerun of my all time fave K-drama, My Girl... Hero is also very handsome and heroine is very pretty. I laughed more, smiled more, and shed more tears with this one.. regardless that I have watched it for the millionth of time! :D I do recommend others to watch this one. It just melts your heart. So funny.. and Mom & Dad are addicted too!

My Girl

Tonight I'm planing to watch Delightful Girl Choon-Hyang. Hahaha... So addicted to K-drama. This is one is also funny... I like! Mom & Dad also like! What have I done to my parents?? Its all they can talk bout nowadays.

Delightful Girl Choon-Hyang

haha... addict tak? Addict kan... If and when I go to OZ, i'll be the most loyal visitor of mysujo, just to watch k-drama. I am now able to speak a few Korean words. Wonder if I'll be like my friend Ms. N, who was and still is addicted to Chinese drama up to the point that she bought herself a Chinese Dictionary and if I'm not mistaken can speak Chinese fluently.

Will I go to that extent?

Now I have to search for another K-drama to buy. I have watched all the best ones. I hate watching all the sappy ones that ends with one of the main character dying. Probably the next drama that I can watch is Partner... My Girl's hero is the hero in this new drama... yum yum...

Back to work... (yes, officially its 8-5, but lecturers work up till 2 am).... Yawn...Another long night..Hence, the need for a K-D marathon :)

Dug dap dug dap

Y oh Y is there no news from Melbourne yet?

I really cant believe that they would have no courtesy. At least if they want to decline me as a student, they should at least let me know rite?

Hmmmm.....sabar2... Semua ada hikmah...

I guess I'm just agitated...

Things at the clinic are slowing down. With 5 new clin psych trainees, new cases practically go to them. In other words, I dont have any cases this month. Oh boring...Its like the department is telling me to go already. I know! I know! I'll gladly fly off... its just that i havent gotten any emails yet that would make me jump up and down like a crazy person...

Ya Allah.. Bantula hambaMu ini....

Hobbies

One of the most frequent question in the IELTS is what are your hobbies and how has it change as you grow older?

Hmmm...I like this question. I just do. It makes you wonder how your hobbies are significantly related to your interest. But if I had more times on my hand, I would definitely want to continue with one particular hobby.

Jigsaw Puzzles...

I remember I was 5 years old when I first completed a 1000 piece puzzle. One american aunty (i think, my mom's friend) loaned it to me. It wasnt your normal cartoon piece that would attract the attention of a 5 y'old. It was a picture of an old village, vintage in a way... Mostly brown in color. But I remembered so well the joy I felt when I found a piece that match..Lagi2 when I actually finish the puzzle.

This hobby stuck with me up until I was in secondary school..but then it just died away. What happened? Hmmm.. Not enough time I guess.. with PMR and then SPM.. there was also the fact that people didnt appreciate puzzle... People meaning immediate family. Boleh my grandparents tersepak2 the pieces? I stop doing the puzzle if a piece is missing. Y bother? It wont b a complete picture anyways.

Now, I wish so bad that I could just sit and home and do a puzzle. I mean, it very calming.. very interesting and very challenging to actually complete a 5000-piece puzzle.. Yes, x main2 la 1000 pieces anymore..I was older I could handle more..Bring it on!

Sadly...none were completed..huhu...

I'm thinking should I attempt to do one before I go abroad? Y not...but do I have time? Time will never be enough for anybody...If a day had 48 hours, we would still be complaining of having insufficient time..correct?

Ok now back to work...

A Learning Process

ALhamdulillah.. Half of this day has been very productive. I have finished 1 report. Yeay! Only 1 left.. Yes only 1! I told A this morning that I had 5 more reports to do. She, being a true friend, said that is so not me..Then I double checked my work. Hehehe.. I apologize A. It seems I had a bit of memory loss. Prob. my week with the kids scattered my brain. I actually have finished 4 reports. Due to my long vacation, I didnt send it in yet. Therefore, its pending... So, tomorrow I promise to send it off to the respective people.

I really need to pick up gear. U know.. As I am a longer a trainee, the fact that every time I see a case, it will be a new learning experience for me. And when I write my report, I realized a lot of things that I should or could have done. I cant change the past. So I humbly apologize to all the people I've met so far in Kajang. But I promise a better (InsyaAllah) service to future clients. Sometimes, you just need to adjust yourself and learn through your mistakes.

So I only have one more report to go..

I went home in the end around 11ish... Mainly because there was no one in the department.. and its kinds scary there.. I would rather do my work at home. Being a lecturer, I have the advantage of working from home. But I really have to work. Not lepak and take a looong nap..or even watching Korean drama. Listening to Korean songs are allowed btw. :D

To myself, may this day, this month, this year makes me into a more discipline person, a more efficient CP..

P/s: I keep getting small heart attacks everytime I see I have 1 new mail in my inbox...Hoping and praying its news from Melbourne..but a lass... Hopefully by this week I will hear some news..InsyaAllah...

Back to work...

Welcome 2010...

Bye bye 2009, hello 2010...

A wise man once said: A good year is a year filled with laughter, joy, anger & sorrow. What makes a good year is all the good and bad things that happened to you. You learn from your mistakes and you strive for more success.

There has been many events happening in my life for the past year.So many ups and downs, so much laughter shared with friends, tears poured when under stress, a few incidents of angry outburst here and there..

But regardless, I feel very bless. Although I am still waiting patiently for my other half to waltz into my life, I fully accept and redha with the Almighty's plan.. He knows best!

I pray to Allah that this new year has more good things as well as challenging things in stored for me. I pray HE gives me the strength, courage and patience to handle any issues, especially issues that relates to THE SYSTEM. hehe...

I also pray that by middle of this year I would be on foreign soil..Fighting to survive my PhD..Jihad fi sabilillah...

Watever happens this year.. I pray that my maturity and knowledge would increase tenfold. Most importantly, I pray I become a better daughter to my aging parents and Muslimah yg solehah...