He's off limit....

Aww... and here i thought i was having fun... to have that hope and that giddiness alive...

I was told by my cousin's wife, that her friend told her that N is married... although another friend (who so happens to be N's X) said he's still single... but when there's talk that he may be married.. well..lets just move on...

But to come to think of it, my friend who so happens to be his front door neighbor hasnt said anything.. Regardless, I think its time to just move on.. Let january be the last month I'm haunted by N....

To be honest, guys like N are never single.. with brain, looks, and good background its just stupid to think that there isnt a groupie somewhere chasing him... and I dont wanna join that group...

So to N, thank you for the train memories, the hopes and dreams.. Although it was definitely just on my part, you unknowingly helped healed a broken heart...

The Strangest Month Ever

We would be soon waving January goodbye and saying Hello to February...

This month flew by pretty fast... and it has been a very long roller coaster ride. So many ups and downs... Strangest things keep happening... especially with Phd thingy as well as relationship wise.. the lack of or the soon to be...haha... a girl can always dream rite...

Looking back, I've started to receive replies from supervisors all over australia. Mos of them are telling me they cant take me. Coz they're pretty full. I was praying and hoping for Melbourne coz of the split-phd program. Funding would not be an issue. But its not my rezeki i guess... Moving on to Uni of Adelaide.. Good news after 3 days of waiting but only managed to get a partial yes from the potential supervisor. Then she went MIA for 2/3 weeks.. I have promised myself that I would start hunting people down on 1st of February.... beware ppl.. i mean business...

My emotions lately is twisting and turning... I cant sleep at night.. Mostly thinking would I be to go to OZ or not.. Now suddenly with the scholarship issue... Apparently, since our country is suffering economically (u cant see it if u go to malls on the weekends, it is forever pack with people!), scholarships are hard to get. That's a bummer... but its so out of my control...

Then back to the emotion thingy... I feel like a 6 years old..being and feeling helpless, the need for a temper tantrum, lack of motivation to actually sit down and do work, and the uncontrollable urge to binge. Ahhh... the psychologist in me would say, ur stress. What's bothering you? I know wat the problem is... its just I'm helpless to do anything bout it. I leave it to the higher power to determine my fate..

And somehow N has come back into my life.. not physically but more like a ghost who keeps haunting my thoughts and dreams... Somehow, my new friends or connections would end up with N... cousins's wife is BFF with his close friend who so happens to work in the same department as him... So these two married ladies are acting as the middle person. But to be really honest, my SE at the moment and my physique isnt really at a great level. Its still needs major improvement... Yes, I know I have to cut down on every sweetness that I eat and breathe.
Well, only time will tell what happens between me & N.. he's a ghost remember... and note to self, please stop looking at N's pic... ur creeping urself out!! pppftt...

Strange month, this January... I hope February brings me more joy and less tears... I've watched enough of Koreans (so not TRUE!).. And I need to come up with a good script and plan as well as a very polite face to tell all the makcik2 near my house to mind their bloody business. Getting royally pissed when they keep asking me the golden question. What is it with people? When ur not married, they ask u when u'll get married. Then when ur married, they'll ask when ur gonna have a baby. Then when you do get a baby, they'll prob. ask u when ur getting another baby... Y cant every1 b satisfied with God's plan??? Chillax people... Only God knows Y to all ur questions....

Bye2 January... HiHi February....

Aktiviti Hujung Minggu Saya

Sweet 18

Wonderful life

ENOUGH SAID

When your hearts not in it...

People say we must do what we love to do, we must do what feel passionate about... Follow your heart.. A happy heart means a healthy mind..

I'm torn. Stuck in the middle of a very important decision that can influence my future.. or so people are telling me..

Its regarding my PhD topic.. One of my colleagues is really into intervention, so she pushes me to follow her footsteps. A PhD focusing on the effectiveness of intervention is better than just doing survey, she says. That is what makes you a really qualified clin psych. Expert in the field. You build your name about it.. The expert in intervention for children and adolescent. I have another friend, who is saying that I must do a PhD research that can be useful to the department. Go for Autism or ADHD or even family therapy, he says.

I have another colleague who through her bad experience with he PhD in intervention says, follow your heart. If your not really 100% into doing intervention, that its gonna be a very thorny road ahead. But you can always do intervention later on.. not for PhD when you have a time limit of three years. She told me to take her case as an example. She initially did a research on intervention but after her viva and spending 1 year + on the proposal, her research was turned down. After that came all the bad experience with the supervisor, and switching to another supervisor who didnt want to use the same data. So it was basically starting a new research in your 2nd year of Phd. Wowwy...Nauzubillah... So, she repeats. Better do survey because you wont endure all this...Some maybe lucky in getting good responses from respondents. Some may not be so lucky. Now, what has my life taught me? Is the system usually my friend or foe?

When I think about all this, deep down I know that a research regarding intervention can be done, if I force myself into it. But right now, as this moment, my heart is so set on doing a survey. Before we focus on treatment, shudnt we know whether parents are actually educated about the disorder first?

So...My heart is not in it... I cant do a CBT intervention program. Somore with adolescents. I'm not that good and that motivated.. Well...not in this issue...

Ya Allah...the road ahead is so challenging...and so out of my control.. the fear of the unknown... I cant lay out what will happen down the road...with the new policy and no scholarship rumors... Allah....

Tabah2...

The Unknown Reason...

Y torture yourself?

Y hold on to the past when God has destined a better future for you?

Y must you still feel the pain in your heart when you look back in the past?

When do u think u'll be able to forgive and forget?

When will u be able to trust again?

When will you be able to be completely and 100% normal again?

Pain2 go away, let the memories slip and fly away....
Bring back the world I used to know,
Bring back the innocence that was once mine....

Owh the anxiety...

A.N.X.I.O.U.S

I AM ONE ANXIOUS GIRL.....

EXPERIENCING SMALL HEART ATTACKS EVERYTIME I OPEN MY EMAIL....

YA ALLAH, GIVE ME STRENGTH....

Just this...

Where is the moment we needed the most 
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost 
You tell me your blue skies fade to grey 
You tell me your passion's gone away 
And I don't need no carryin' on 

You stand in the line just to hit a new low 
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go 
You tell me your life's been way off line 
You're falling to pieces everytime 
And I don't need no carryin' on 

Because you had a bad day 
You're taking one down 
You sing a sad song just to turn it around 
You say you don't know 
You tell me don't lie 
You work at a smile and you go for a ride 
You had a bad day 
The camera don't lie 
You're coming back down and you really don't mind 
You had a bad day 
You had a bad day 

Well, you need a blue sky holiday 
The point is they laugh at what you say 
And I don't need no carryin' on 

You had a bad day 
You're taking one down 
You sing a sad song just to turn it around 
You say you don't know 
You tell me don't lie 
You work at a smile and you go for a ride 
You had a bad day 
The camera don't lie 
You're coming back down and you really don't mind 
You had a bad day 

Maybe it isnt made to be...

Past few days have been a roller coaster...

Main issue: Melbourne and furthering studies..

I approached 4 potential supervisors in hopes that one of them would be able to supervise my PhD. As of 5 minutes ago, 3 of them have said no. Not enough space, they say. Allahuakbar.. Luluh hati..
I've tried emailing other universities. Some have replied, some have not.

I'm just worried. July isnt that far away. I need to out of UPM by then.

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah urusan hambaMu ini...

Korean Wave

Last Friday, I bought My Lovely Sam-Soon. Hero was handsome, story was interesting. I managed to finish 16 hours++ of drama in 3 days. Addicted x hingat... But I really enjoyed myself.. Laughed a lot, shed a few tears and had a bucket full of wishes by the time I was finished with the story. Now my parents are the one addicted to this show. They have been watching it every night since last Sunday. Hahahaha..I am a very bad influence..

My Lovely Sam-Soon

After I was done with that drama, I was still in the mood for more Korean. So I watched a rerun of my all time fave K-drama, My Girl... Hero is also very handsome and heroine is very pretty. I laughed more, smiled more, and shed more tears with this one.. regardless that I have watched it for the millionth of time! :D I do recommend others to watch this one. It just melts your heart. So funny.. and Mom & Dad are addicted too!

My Girl

Tonight I'm planing to watch Delightful Girl Choon-Hyang. Hahaha... So addicted to K-drama. This is one is also funny... I like! Mom & Dad also like! What have I done to my parents?? Its all they can talk bout nowadays.

Delightful Girl Choon-Hyang

haha... addict tak? Addict kan... If and when I go to OZ, i'll be the most loyal visitor of mysujo, just to watch k-drama. I am now able to speak a few Korean words. Wonder if I'll be like my friend Ms. N, who was and still is addicted to Chinese drama up to the point that she bought herself a Chinese Dictionary and if I'm not mistaken can speak Chinese fluently.

Will I go to that extent?

Now I have to search for another K-drama to buy. I have watched all the best ones. I hate watching all the sappy ones that ends with one of the main character dying. Probably the next drama that I can watch is Partner... My Girl's hero is the hero in this new drama... yum yum...

Back to work... (yes, officially its 8-5, but lecturers work up till 2 am).... Yawn...Another long night..Hence, the need for a K-D marathon :)

Dug dap dug dap

Y oh Y is there no news from Melbourne yet?

I really cant believe that they would have no courtesy. At least if they want to decline me as a student, they should at least let me know rite?

Hmmmm.....sabar2... Semua ada hikmah...

I guess I'm just agitated...

Things at the clinic are slowing down. With 5 new clin psych trainees, new cases practically go to them. In other words, I dont have any cases this month. Oh boring...Its like the department is telling me to go already. I know! I know! I'll gladly fly off... its just that i havent gotten any emails yet that would make me jump up and down like a crazy person...

Ya Allah.. Bantula hambaMu ini....

Hobbies

One of the most frequent question in the IELTS is what are your hobbies and how has it change as you grow older?

Hmmm...I like this question. I just do. It makes you wonder how your hobbies are significantly related to your interest. But if I had more times on my hand, I would definitely want to continue with one particular hobby.

Jigsaw Puzzles...

I remember I was 5 years old when I first completed a 1000 piece puzzle. One american aunty (i think, my mom's friend) loaned it to me. It wasnt your normal cartoon piece that would attract the attention of a 5 y'old. It was a picture of an old village, vintage in a way... Mostly brown in color. But I remembered so well the joy I felt when I found a piece that match..Lagi2 when I actually finish the puzzle.

This hobby stuck with me up until I was in secondary school..but then it just died away. What happened? Hmmm.. Not enough time I guess.. with PMR and then SPM.. there was also the fact that people didnt appreciate puzzle... People meaning immediate family. Boleh my grandparents tersepak2 the pieces? I stop doing the puzzle if a piece is missing. Y bother? It wont b a complete picture anyways.

Now, I wish so bad that I could just sit and home and do a puzzle. I mean, it very calming.. very interesting and very challenging to actually complete a 5000-piece puzzle.. Yes, x main2 la 1000 pieces anymore..I was older I could handle more..Bring it on!

Sadly...none were completed..huhu...

I'm thinking should I attempt to do one before I go abroad? Y not...but do I have time? Time will never be enough for anybody...If a day had 48 hours, we would still be complaining of having insufficient time..correct?

Ok now back to work...

A Learning Process

ALhamdulillah.. Half of this day has been very productive. I have finished 1 report. Yeay! Only 1 left.. Yes only 1! I told A this morning that I had 5 more reports to do. She, being a true friend, said that is so not me..Then I double checked my work. Hehehe.. I apologize A. It seems I had a bit of memory loss. Prob. my week with the kids scattered my brain. I actually have finished 4 reports. Due to my long vacation, I didnt send it in yet. Therefore, its pending... So, tomorrow I promise to send it off to the respective people.

I really need to pick up gear. U know.. As I am a longer a trainee, the fact that every time I see a case, it will be a new learning experience for me. And when I write my report, I realized a lot of things that I should or could have done. I cant change the past. So I humbly apologize to all the people I've met so far in Kajang. But I promise a better (InsyaAllah) service to future clients. Sometimes, you just need to adjust yourself and learn through your mistakes.

So I only have one more report to go..

I went home in the end around 11ish... Mainly because there was no one in the department.. and its kinds scary there.. I would rather do my work at home. Being a lecturer, I have the advantage of working from home. But I really have to work. Not lepak and take a looong nap..or even watching Korean drama. Listening to Korean songs are allowed btw. :D

To myself, may this day, this month, this year makes me into a more discipline person, a more efficient CP..

P/s: I keep getting small heart attacks everytime I see I have 1 new mail in my inbox...Hoping and praying its news from Melbourne..but a lass... Hopefully by this week I will hear some news..InsyaAllah...

Back to work...

Welcome 2010...

Bye bye 2009, hello 2010...

A wise man once said: A good year is a year filled with laughter, joy, anger & sorrow. What makes a good year is all the good and bad things that happened to you. You learn from your mistakes and you strive for more success.

There has been many events happening in my life for the past year.So many ups and downs, so much laughter shared with friends, tears poured when under stress, a few incidents of angry outburst here and there..

But regardless, I feel very bless. Although I am still waiting patiently for my other half to waltz into my life, I fully accept and redha with the Almighty's plan.. He knows best!

I pray to Allah that this new year has more good things as well as challenging things in stored for me. I pray HE gives me the strength, courage and patience to handle any issues, especially issues that relates to THE SYSTEM. hehe...

I also pray that by middle of this year I would be on foreign soil..Fighting to survive my PhD..Jihad fi sabilillah...

Watever happens this year.. I pray that my maturity and knowledge would increase tenfold. Most importantly, I pray I become a better daughter to my aging parents and Muslimah yg solehah...